Jokes

Murphy’s Law for Law Enforcement

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains.
Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
Coffee machines only break down on the graveyard shift.
Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town.
To error is human, to forgive is against department policy.
You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.
Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
You will remain in perfect health until your days off.
Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.
Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.
Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.
If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
Bullet proof vests might be.
The number of citizens that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat.
Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.
Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.
Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.
NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.
Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.
You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.
The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.
Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.
Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.
You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, non-refundable vacation.
In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.
Do unto others, but do it first.
Eat right, Exercise, Die anyway.
You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake.
Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat.
Waterproof boots aren't.
You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the PD with a bad case of diarrhea.
You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL.
Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off.
There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear.
There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day.
To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!
Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.
The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee!
No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's.
If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.
On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk.
When your in a hurry, that is when all slow and "lack of attention" drivers are driving on the road.
You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation.
Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you.
If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house.
The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening.
Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit.
You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection.
K-9 units only do stupid thing's in public.
The day you let your girlfriend ride out with you, your wife comes by the station to visit.
Court will be cancelled only after you have changed all your plans to be there.
You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work.
When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officer’s car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing!
The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it.
You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene, about to arrive on scene or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station.
Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to jinx yourself and end up on overtime.
It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything and will always be dead as heck when you are out looking for something to do.
Just when you are thinking about making a pit stop in case they call you for an emergency they'll call you for an emergency.
Crime only occurs on days that end in y.
You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year.
Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded, think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage.
When placing cuffs on a suspect, you will always close them to the point that it takes half an hour to back them up so blood can circulate.
The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform is the one time the chief comes to roll call.
Your transmission will work just fine, until you get into a chase.
The only time Chief's come out from behind their desk is to overreact!
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
You will only get a citizen complaint when your video camera or tape recorder is broken.
Your cars AM/FM radio will only go out when you have had only 4 hours of sleep before your shift.
Your radar will only malfunction when you see a car you know is going over 100 MPH.
You will always get a "Hot" call at the same moment you realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail.
For every good deed done there is a Lawyer to undo it.

Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

The Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

In Hot Pursuit
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

The Town Drunk
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

Ever Go A Fishin'
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

Irish Mike
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

What Did He Say?

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

Have You Been Drinking?
A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?"
The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?"
"No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."

MISSING PERSON REPORT
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am." the officer asked.
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children." the woman replied.
"Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children."
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.

BUBBA
Bubba was at the police station explaining to the officer why his cousin shot him.
"We wuz havin' us a real good time drinkin'," he explained, "when my cousin Billy Bob picked up his rifle and asked us fellas if we wanna go a huntin'."
"Okay," then what happened?" the officer asked.
"That's when I stood up and said, 'Sure. I'm game'!"

Chicago, Illinois
Two robbers got more than they bargained for while trying to
burglarize a minivan. The van they were breaking into was occupied
by a police officer on undercover surveillance. It turns out that
Transit Police were watching this particular parking lot after receiving
numerous reports of items being stolen from their cars. Stolen
stereo equipment and burglary tools were later found in the men's car.

N Miami Beach, FLorida
A robber pulled out a semiautomatic pistol, handed a bag to a
bank teller, and demanded money. After getting the bag back
he put his gun back into his pocket and that is when it fired.
It is believed that he shot himself. The robber then ran outside
and was struck by a van. He was helped out from under the
van and escaped into a waiting car. He was later arrested.

Fort Collins, Colorado
A man was charged with robbing the same 7-Eleven twice in one
day.He told the clerk after the second holdup that he would be
back in a few hours to rob the place a third time. True to
his word, he returned and was arrested by detectives
who were still in the store investigating the second robbery.

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then the back of the van and said, "What'd he do?"

Biker Poem (Provided by Rhino)

Some think bikers are mean
Some dressed in leathers and others in jeans
You don't like our patches or the clothes that we wear
You hate our bandannas and you hate our long hair
You don't like our scooters and our loud noisy pipes
You think we're not loyal to the stars and stripes
You don't like our patches that are worn on our vests
You think we're so different from all the rest
But the truth is, Mister, we're kind of alike
You drive a car and I ride a bike
You have no tattoos painted on your arm
But we fought side by side over in Nam
So the next time your children are running around
Enjoying their freedom and the fun that they've found
Remember us bikers and all that we do
We feed our lost veterans, we're Red, white and blue!
We bring toys for tots and toys for a smile
By riding our bikes for miles and miles
You see, us bikers have never forgot
Our homeless veterans and our homeless tots
We are loyal to our clubs and true to our bro's
We will always wear black from our heads to our toes
Society once said that long hair was for fags
But you'll never see a biker burning a flag
Now the tattoos and leather you don't understand
Stands for free independence that us bikers demand
Our long hair and patches and bikes with loud pipes
is a tribute to our freedom, the Stars and Stripes
So before you make up your mind on just what I might be
Take a look in the mirror and what do you see?
The man that you see that is staring right back
is not too much different from that biker in black

GREAT THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE ON THE BEAT...

"That says POLICE, not taxi."

"I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."

"I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use electric bleachers"

A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!” said the boy, and he kept on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says; "Hey kid, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Kawasaki, so YOU ride it!!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head promised himself a vacation after the next big heist. Then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires. Clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
The bird replied: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

The Trooper and Juggler

A car was pulled over by a highway patrolman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" he asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

Unofficial Phonetics

A = Alcohol B = Bacardi C = Champagne D = Daiquiri E = Everclear
F = Frangelico G = Gin H =Heineken I = Irish Cream J = Jack Daniels
K = Kailua L = Long Island Ice Tea M = Margarita O = Olive P = Pina Colada
Q = Quickie R = Rum S = Scotch T = Tequila U = Umbrella V = Vodka
W = Whiskey X = Dos Equis XX Y = Yukon Gold Z = Zima

Funny Things Said by Police

1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.
2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!
3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.
4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.
5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?
6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.
7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.
8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.
9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.
10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century:

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.  In his
claim,  the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires".

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the 
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...  and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.  The Judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire,  without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his
loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him 
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!  With his own insurance claim 
and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the 
lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property 
and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!!  (IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?

Supidity Has No Limits...
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street,
he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his
hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it.
The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he
had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet,
and the thief was arrested.

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to
police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car
which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later
said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an
armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway
so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store
in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones
said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified
that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said,
"I should have blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added,
"-- if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and
recommend a 30-year sentence.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer
equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked,
the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they
entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information
on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis,
Missouri.

Police in Chicago sent Cubs tickets to people with outstanding arrest warrants. When they
arrived at the game, they were promptly arrested.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey shit."

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."